Bad Stuff before 2012.

I'm not going to complain about all the things that were bad this year. Let's just say I don't want to feel jealous and left out anymore. I should be glad that I have friends, and should appreciate them. Although I am still scared I'll lose friends when school starts next year, I'll just wait until it actually happens. I just hope everyone has a better year. Without all the hurt and betrayal and annoyances.

And I really with that everyone will have a new outlook on life. Not everything in 2011 was bad. I know I can't have a perfect year. I'm getting older an older, and I have to stop thinking so childishly and letting things affect my life so much, or overexaggerate everything.

I'm really sorry for this bad post. I just feel so overwhelmed and messed up. I just wish we can all be better friends in 2012. Without you guys, I wouldn't have gotten through it. We may have had arguments and disagreements, but we've grown so close.

I'm thankful for each and every one of you. And I genuinely really want each of you to have a good year.

Happy new year, Essie, Ray, Jenn. Let's rock 2012!!! :)

Can't take anymore.

This is bullshit.

So I've been used the whole time.  Do you know what else has been happening to me this past month? Do you know I have many problems too?

The worst part is, I want to tell someone, but not you.  So stop asking.

Jumble of Thoughts.

Don't know what I'm supposed to feel.

Right now I feel an enormous wave of jealousy.  It's funny because I chose to talk about this problem with my partner for our final counseling assignment.  I also lied and said it was fake, but haha wooo it's real.  And I guess I am getting counseled in some way for it. Bleh.  Why do I feel jealous already when it's not even next year?  I don't want to lose any friendships.  But why am I thinking of isolation next year...?

Then there's also that stupid problem of choosing where to live.  Why can't they just make everything simpler and allow first years to live in certain places? -.-" I think they reason why I say I "don't like Lister" is because I have no friends there. 

This is generally how my day goes.
1. Wake up.
2. Brush teeth/change
3. Walk out my door and wait for the elevator (I usually see no one)
4. School
5. Go back to my room (usually see no one but I hear voices)
6. Shower
7. Go down to get dinner (after I hear that the hallway is quiet)
8. Come back up and eat in my room
9. Wait until no one is in the hallway to put dish in kitchen.
10. Spend rest of the night in room.
11. Cycle repeats again.

Sure Schaffer is better, cleansing wise. But last year I had more acquaintances and actually hung out with my floormates more.  I think it's because I'm so insecure and stuff.  Ugh I wish I had a friend with me.

Lister is a good place to meet people and to hang out... but HUB is more private and stuff... with no floor meetings or any interactions with anyone else who lives there.

International house would be the best. But hell, NO FIRST YEARS ALLOWED?! >.>"

sigh...

Saving a Life.

A few days ago, someone I went to high school with, who was in my grad class, whom I have never spoken to, sent me an e-mail saying he wanted to commit suicide and needed someone to talk to. 

I said I would talk to him.  How would you feel if you said no, and he actually did kill himself because you wouldn't listen to him?

The thing is, I feel like this is God telling me which career path I should head towards.  I've been learning how to counsel someone in Hecol 315, and learning all the skills and strategies to help prevent and advise someone in need.

Right now, I'm really scared I'll say the wrong thing and he will end up killing himself.

But how could I say no?

Stressed?

I went to the doctor yesterday to ask about my "problem".  She told me that a huge factor was stress.  She then asked me if I've been stressed lately and I answered "No." Without thinking.  Afterwards... and after a lot of thinking, I think I have been stressed... very.

1.  His mom.  I just get so mad and unhappy whenever she's home or talks to me... because whenever she does, it's always about a criticism or some OCD bs.

2.  He doesn't seem to want me over.  Everytime I am, I'm doing my thing and he's doing his homework.  But every few minutes he'd slam his hands on the table and swear... and yells "I DON'T GET IT".  And I get so... frustrated because in the end he always gets the answer.  So what was the point of being so... mad at nothing when you're going to get the answer in the end?  And when I try to help him, he'd say "I don't understand you." Ugh... at least I'm trying?

3. My brother is the worst thing that has ever happened to my family.  He disgraces us.  He's rude to my mom, doesn't care about my dad, and only cares about getting girls.  He doesn't do any homework or study, and only focuses on getting rich by getting people to pay him for doing homework for them...

4. This other worry has been on my mind... the though and feeling of wanting to please everyone, even if it means hurting myself.  Like, all I want is to have close friends, but I don't want to act fake...

5. Volunteer work at the hospital... will I even have the time?

6. The future and what I should do about my program...

---
I guess I am stressing a lot about everything... and I didn't even notice it.  But the one question that's in my mind right now is... "Am I depressed?"  I want to answer no.  I'm not 100% sure but I'm pretty confident that I'm not? 


I just need something to get my mind off stress... I want this health issue to stop. Now.

Don't Know What to Name This.

Was just thinking back to what he said to me all those years ago.  "You'll always be alone".


Oh my dear ex, you do not know how true that is.  I know I have friends and such... but the closer I see my other friends get to my other ones... I get jealous... and then I get emo and then I feel like I'm alone.

I know I shouldn't feel this way because I know I have great friends here, like Jenn and Ray and Essie.  I just can't stop these thoughts.  That's all.

Don't know why I feel so hurt...

8 more hours.

What hurts the most about leaving,

is seeing the life I could've had if I stayed.

Cuz let's face it,


my Edmonton self is waaaay different than my Vancouver self.


so the big question is,

who is my real self?